all in the past...

Wednesday, 16 March 2005

Wed, 16 Mar 2005 23:00:00 +0000

I think my dear little car is going to give up the ghost very shortly… she is making the most rumbly of noises. If memory serves me correctly.. its the wheel bearings… I had a little Metro years ago that had the same problem which was suitable fixed by “Chris at the Garage”… even though we were never allowed to take my car to “Chris at the Garage”.. we always had to take it to his mums house.. where he worked on cars in his spare time to supplement the crappy wage he got from “The Garage”…..

I used to take so much care of my little Nova… she used to positively gleam…. but now she has that tired look.. her bright blue has taken on a dull tone and the scratches on the passenger side rear wheel arch are a telling reminder to how tight the parking is at work.

When my car was broken into last year… I was devastated… not by the actual break in.. not by the missing stereo and Puddle of Mudd cd… not by the screwed up lock or the buggered up lights… but by the incredibly CRAP job that the nominated garage made of the repairs. Lets not name names here.. but they’re known in these parts as Bodgeman and Ripoff as opposed to their real name. When my insurance company told me which garage I had to use I told them catergorically that I did not want to use that garage. But.. (and with hindsight I was a fool to accept this) the Ins Company told me that they had never received any complaints about the firm and that if I wished to use another company I woudl have to pay them myslef and then claim the money back from them. I just wasn’t in a position to do this so had to use the Bodgeman and Ripoff company. Needless to say they screwed it up royally. The clock light has never worked since… the dash board lights randomly work..or don’t as the case may be… the on the drivers door has NEVER stuck on properly.. the lock is hard as hell to use and the actual door panel is subtle shade of COMPLETELY THE WRONG BLOODY BLUE…… but.. I comforted myself in the knowledge that it didn’t really matter because I was moving to the States. The car would hang on for a few more months until then.

I was going to give the car… as a gift… to a young guy who lives right around the corner from me… hes about to start taking driving lessons and he has always been a good friend to HB and I just felt to repay that friendship in some small way before we leave. I still intend to do so though he may not be so gracious in accepting it now as he would have been 6 months ago when she was looking really good and not on her last legs.

I didn’t care that my car insurance would go up if I made a claim because I didn’t think I would be here the next time the insurance was up for renewal. At least I can start thinking this way now… I’ll not have to concern myself with MOT, or car tax this year.. because thats all due in November… the Visas are taking 4 months to be aprroved… (if we file in April then we should have approval by August) and then we have the interview and medical.. so I should be about ready to leave by November…

My goodness.. I may.. finally.. get to choose a Christmas Tree with him this year….

OK.. tears… laughter… sick feeling…. time to go….

Saturday, 12 March 2005

Tue, 15 Mar 2005 23:00:00 +0000

Firstly I’m going to apologise for how huge this post is….. I’ve been wanting to make comments about recent events but have been somewhat cautious…. going over and over in my mind what I want to say… not wanting to be judged harshly by people who only know me from my journal… a place where I pour my heart out sometimes. I guess I am one of those strange.. rare creatures who does actually care what people think of me… even if I don’t know them very well… or even if they are indeed… complete strangers to me. I don’t change myself because of this.. but I do admit to keeping things bottled up if I think I will be judged harshly….

In the past I have used my journal as a refuge to whine, bitch and moan about the shitty situation I am in…. relationship wise.. with My Boy.

I’ve never written about the relationship in the hope that someone will give me advice or tell me what to do.. or what they think I should do… I’ve just written about how I am feeling at that particular time as I have sat down at my desk… whether I have felt at the end of my tether or more euphoric than ummmmm.. ummmm….. “a pig in shit”… to coin an old English phrase….

One of the things that people who know me from my journal may have realised is that I don’t like to tell the people around me about the crappy stuff in my life… I save it for my journal. And that may make me full of self pity (as someone delightfully commented some time ago) or my journal incredibly boring to readers… but… nothing is likely to change. I’m a firm believer in the fact that people have so much of their own bullshit going on in their lives they really don’t need to hear about mine… so I keep it to myself as much as possible and write about it in my silent, non-judgemental journal. That way.. I’m not bothering my friends with my tales of woe.. and neither am I boring them with the continuous rollercoaster that is being 5,000 miles away from the man you love…. and neither am I asking them for advice.. only to then ignore their advice and do what I think is best anyway…

There is one major thing about my life that anyone who has delved a little deeper into my blog/journal will know about me (thats if they haven’t found their way here by typing “Hot Pussy Pics” into Google…) and that is that I am in a long and gut wrenching relationship with a guy who lives in the USA… and that we had huge problems in our relationship in 2004. What people might not know… because I have been reluctant to discuss/write about it for fear of “tempting fate”…. is that we have gotten over those problems and would seem now to be back on track and moving on to happier and better things….

I don’t think I’ve ever really told the story of how we met or how we came to be at this point in our lives… but its pretty long winded and quite a tale to tell…. it is, however, incredibly boring if you don’t want to read about unrequited love and a horrendous long distance relationship that has brought us both to the point of tears on many occassions…. but I’ve decided to tell it now because its kinda coming to a head and starting on the last lap….

GO READ SOMEONE ELSES BLOG RIGHT ABOUT NOW IF YOU DON’T CARE TO BE BOTHERED WITH THE GORY DETAILS OF A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONGSHIP….

I met My Boy in the chat room for a band that I’m a fan of….

*listens for the sound of sighs across the net and watches for the rolling of eyes….

I “met” him a few years ago now… in fact.. we disagree on how long ago it was… I still maintain that it was in the Winter/Spring of 2000/01… We used to literaly say” Hi” and “Bye” to each other due to the time difference… (hes 8 hours behind me)… and would occasionaly voice chat on Yahoo. Well.. chat is the wrong word to use… I was the only English woman in a bunch of American guys and girls and we would have voice conversations on Yahoo in the wee hours (for me). We spent much of the summer of 2001 missing each other by minutes in the chat room and asking our chat buddies “Have you seen Bee?” or “Have you seen Tank lately?”. When the tragedy of 9/11 occured My Boy made a post on a message board that stirred me to see another side of him. I found myself more and more interested and intrigued by him. I wanted to talk with him… and.. according to him.. he felt the same way. We would lurk online hoping the other would sign in.. but never having the guts to declare our interest in each other. He was… as I was fully aware… still married although living a seperate life from his wife… and…. to be honest.. I was too sensible to be even worried about falling for him because it was… after all… an internet friendship.

This internet friendship grew and grew though and before long we were talking on the phone… racking up huge phone bills. He told me that the first time he heard my voice over the phone he knew that he wanted to be with me. Once we started talking on the phone I knew things were really getting to the point that I either had to give myself up to the feelings I had… or that I had to put a stop to the relationship that surely couldn’t go anywhere.

I decided to wing it. I gave myself up to it… telling myself that I could deal with any outcome… but that if I did nothing else daring in my life I had to do this one thing and meet this man who I had connected with across 5,000 miles.

I justified this to myself (because in some weird way I felt that I had to) by telling myself that we do… after all… only come this way once. The fact that 5,000 miles stood between me and what I perceived to be the rest of my life didn’t phase me. Well… not much anyway…

And so the relationship grew and grew until we finally decided to bite the bullet.. take the chance and meet. We made plans for meeting first in the April… but that all fell through and then he got what can only be described as the luckiest break ever…. he had to come to Europe and work in Dublin for a month/6 weeks…. and Dublin was only a one hour direct flight away from my home city of Plymouth.

And so.. in the August of 2003 I found myself shaking in my boots with excitement, trepidation and sheer unadulterated joy in the Arrivals (thats just the fancy name given to the area.. the whole airport terminal is smaller than the building my office is in) lounge of the city airport.

He had arrived in Dublin from Portland the day before… literally dropped his bags in his hotel room… packed another smaller bag and turned around straight back to the airport to get on a plane to come and see me.

I remember watching as the plane landed… struggling to see him walk down the steps and giving up and deciding I would just go wait for him to get through the gate. He came round the corner with his bag slung over his shoulder… his sunglasses on and I fell to pieces. I looked down at my feet because I couldn’t watch him coming towards me because it felt like every step he took was taking an eternity… and only bring him millimetres closer to me… and before I knew it he was there in front of me… and we didn’t say a word and he just took me in his arms and I buried myself in his neck and we sobbed…. because this was something that we had both wanted for so long… and finally… finally we were together.

We spent the most amazing weekend together and then he flew back to Dublin.. and we both looked forward to the next time we would see each other… and we spent that summer in a haze of short flights backwards and forwards to Dublin… and I spent the most amazing relaxing week there with him as well.

No sooner had we met than his work jolly seemed to be over and he tripped off back to the States… and I followed shortly after… in the October…. with my daughter in tow. We spent the most amazing 2 weeks with him in Portland. I saw DEEP snow (which he laughs at because it isn’t at all deep by NorthWest standards) on Mount Hood at Timberline Lodge and on one of our last evenings together he got down on bended knee and proposed… and I thought about it for like… a nanosecond and accepted. And I came home with a shit load of carats on my finger and a smile that not even George Clooney, Al Pacino and Bobby DeNiro could have wiped off my face.

We made plans.. but he told me that his divorce was dragging on and on… that his ex-wife was going to screw him for as much as she could.. and make the divorce take as long as she possibly could… and things started to get a little rough.

Now this is the point where I’m going to glaze over matters…. everything that happened in 2004 can be found in my journal… and I’m not about to go over it here.. because I am.. quite truthfully and honestly over it… and have no wish to regurgitate it all again.

Fast forward to late last year and My Boy telling me he needed some time… fast forward a little more to a couple of months ago… he didn’t need a lot of time… but now I did… and in the time that we allowed each other to have… we both realised that the one thing we want more than anything else is each other…. (I’ve kinda known this all along but because hes a guy he needs to make it hard on himself and everyone around him before he figures the shit out for himself).

And so.. we find ourselves back to where we should be… filling out visa application forms… getting our evidence of relationship together and basically going into overdrive to get myself and my daughter there with him to make our family complete…

There are people out there who will shake their heads in disbelief.. there are people out there who will call me a fool for putting up with so much and accepting him back… there are people out there who will judge me by the little (yes.. this is a little) bit of information that I have given you…. but honestly… let me justify myself and my actions…. by saying this….

“We only come this way once…”

allow me my chance at happiness… it might never come this way again…..

Monday, 7 March 2005

Mon, 07 Mar 2005 20:30:00 +0000

MP at work is a church going…. singing in the choir…. piano playing… horse, hound and hunting loving… God fearing woman…. shes delightfully well spoken and incredibly upper class (if that phrase still exists nowadays).

At the weekend she hung out with a keyboard player from Black Sabbath, a ton of other rock stars and a Vicar who used to be in a rock band…. She doesn’t know anybodies name but had a fabulous shindig for her 50th Birthday party….

Apparently the Vicar.. the Black Sabbath keyboard player and a couple of guys with guitars jammed in the garden for a few until there was a call from the local police telling them they had received a complaint from someone in the village about the noise….

that made me chuckle… I wonder how many Police stations in the UK get complaints about the noise at the Vicarage….

Sunday, 6 March 2005

Sun, 06 Mar 2005 23:30:00 +0000

I’ve been mulling over that quote for most of the day today… in my sleepy wheezy chesty tired little world…. surrounded by the giggles and hysteria that comes with the territory of looking after Barbies 10 year old daughter…

I’ve decided that in my chest infected state I shouldn’t spend time considering whats happened.. or rather.. what hasn’t happened over the past 14 days…. I’ll just deal with it another day when I’m feeling better….

"Absence sharpens love… presence strengthens it…"

Sun, 06 Mar 2005 22:30:00 +0000

“Absence sharpens love… presence strengthens it…”

- Benjamin Franklin

Friday, 4 March 2005

Fri, 04 Mar 2005 22:30:00 +0000

I’m bored of the winter… its been so cold the last few days its not even been funny. Its March…. its almost Spring…. my Camelias are flowering no matter how much I shout at them and tell them its too early and there are crocuses and snowdrops in my garden and no matter how cold it gets they still battle on. I’ve had to scrape the ice off the car on only two occassions this week whilst the rest of the country seems to be battling blizzards.. though Mellie tells me she keeps getting snow but it just melts away again. One of the LA’s at work lives way up on the Moors.. at Princetown no less.. and shes driven through snow each morning this week.. I’m tempted to drive up on Sunday just to take a look and get some photos.

However… it may be Winter still… but I’m already thinking about Summer. Although I like the Winter (when its not raining) I love the Summer more than any other season. Working where I do means that on most evenings in the Summer instead of heading home after work HB meets me at the office and we make the short walk up onto The Hoe. Its a beautiful place to be on Summer evening. Facing due South West as it does, the evenings last so long that you almost feel as though the sun is never going to go down…..sunsets can be amazing and… and with a wide variety of restaurants, cafes and bars its a fabulous place to hang out. The fish and chip shops are rather marvellous too.

I can’t wait for the Summer.. I’ve decided that come the end of April when the weather starts to get better I’ll go back to my contracted hours of only 9-3 and enjoy the sunny afternoons with HB relaxing up on the Hoe or just home in the garden… if I plan things right it might even mean we can get to Whitsand Bay on the beach on some days during the week when its quieter. I’m determined to make more of this Summer… I basically wasted the last summer fretting about My Boy getting his rocks off with some Hillbilly Whore and this year is going to be very very different. My life is no longer going to be about making unattainable goals and waiting/hoping for dreams to come true. I’m living for NOW.. not tomorrow…

Carpe Diem….

Thursday, 3 March 2005

Thu, 03 Mar 2005 22:30:00 +0000

Its taken me a few months and despite recent notes in my journal where I have moaned bitterly about work and other small gripes and whines… I’ve pretty much returned to being MYSELF… the smiley… happy… devil may care… daft crazy red head that I used to be before I turned into a gibbering wreck who was in danger of drowning in her own self pity and had surrounded herself with a brick wall that had a sign attached saying “Don’t bother being nice to me because I’m engaged to a man who lives 5,000 miles away who seems to forget I exist sometimes and I’m slowly dying here.”

And balls and arse.. but hell… what have I gotten myself into by letting my guard down and smiling again… and being me…

Now make no mistake here.. I’m not a stunning woman… I will not make you turn your head for a second look at me and neither will I blow you away with my beauty…. but I do scrub up ok. Theres this guy…. a really cute solicitor from another firm in the same street as our office. Hes new to the area ( I overheard him telling NMDP that he had come down from Reading or Berkshire.. I can’t quite recall) and he is… quite simply.. rather bloody handsome. All the ladies in the office have been mooning over him whenever he comes in… (its funny how reception fills up when he is waiting for a Solicitor to come down to see him). From the short conversations I have had with him.. hes also extremely charming… funny… smart and polite. Did I mention hes particularly handsome as well. Now there is also the added bonus of him being around my age.. I can’t quite figure out if he is just looking damn good for his age (if hes in his early 40’s) or whether hes looking his age and in his late 30’s.. (*gags at the thought of being in her late 30’s).

I don’t remember when he started phoning the office.. I think it was before Christmas… but I certainly recall his first actual appearance in the office. It was my birthday and he had called in to see NMDP and they were talking in Reception when the girls presented me with a small Birthday cake with a candle in it and some wise ass made a comment about collecting birthday kisses and NMDP had grabbed my hand and kissed it and CSG (as he will forever be referred to) took my other hand and kissed it saying that as he didn’t know my name he felt it only right he should concentrate on my extremities. I accepted his gesture as a bit of fun and thought nothing more about it. Anyway.. hes been phoning and calling into the office on a fairly regular basis for a few weeks now… and hes always so incredibly polite.. and complimentary… and although I was aware that he was flirting with me as well.. I thought nothing of it. When he phones the office I always know its him.. not because I recognise his voice.. but because he will actually say “Good morning/afternoon Carol-anne” and NOBODY calls me Carol-anne anymore. Nobody….

Anyway… he’s been using us for making oaths and swearing documents and hes also hand delivered a few pieces of mail on a particularly important case that we have going on at the moment… and well.. arghhhhhh… today.. today… he full on hit on me and asked me out on a date. And I’m ashamed to admit it… but to be honest.. and where else can I be totally honest but in my journal… I liked it… it made me feel desirable and it made me feel attractive and it made me feel good. It also succeeded in throwing me for a loop… mainly because I’m just not used to it. I wasn’t sure how to handle it.. I’ve forgotten how to handle it. Yes.. I’ve been hit on in the past and dealt with it quickly and efficiently.. telling the men concerned (yes its happened more than once) that I’m engaged to be married and that I’m just not interested.

However.. this guy… well hell.. theres no getting away from it.. hes damn fine and the realisation that someone like him would be interested in someone like me has given my ego the huge boost that it has so badly needed lately. Its made me feel desirable.. its made me feel attractive… its made me feel alive.

Now don’t be mistaken here… I thanked him for his delightful compliment and invitation to dinner but turned him down making a point of touching my earings and hair with my left hand flashing my carats at him. His apology and smile and wishes for friendship were refreshing… and interesting… and intriguing. Thing is… I’m sure he had seen my engagement ring before… it is kinda hard not to notice… but that didn’t seem to stop him wanting me to know he was interested in me. What was kinda cute was that after I declined his invitation he asked if it would make a difference to my rejection of him if he told me he can get a table at Tanners at a moments notice… Tanners…. mmmmmmm… thats one of the best damn restaurants this side of Bristol…. and the Tanner brothers are hot too….

Now if he’d asked me a couple of months ago…..

Wednesday, 2 March 2005

Wed, 02 Mar 2005 22:30:00 +0000

I really have nothing to say… work is mental…. PSNM is gearing up to cause problems again and digital dictation is driving me batty…

I’ve had to install the damn thing on so many pc’s its stupid… and whats more tiresome is that i have to then teach each person individually how to use it.. because they all have different levels of understanding about computers. It really is SO simple.. choose the dictated file you wish to transcribe.. double click.. use your foot pedal (which is identical to the foot pedal we all used with our old dictaphones) and start typing. ITS THAT BLOODY SIMPLE.!!!! It really is….

I haven’t heard from My Boy in over a week and I’m basically just downright cheesed off and pissy about that… its always the same… he promises so much and then just lets me down again and again and again… it sickens me to my core sometimes.

Tuesday, 1 March 2005

Tue, 01 Mar 2005 22:30:00 +0000

I’m pretty uninspired to write at the moment.. well… not uninspired.. just tired.. fractious and busy.. and on top of that I have a sneaking suspicion that I have what I suspect is going to turn into a full blown bout of flu or a chest infection. That being the case I’m falling back on my inspiration memes to help out…

Would you rather:

1. have your purse/wallet stolen OR your car stolen?

My Car… seriously… my life is in my purse…. my car.. it NEEDS to be stolen so I have the insurance money to help replace it.

2. have a ticket to the grammy awards show OR the academy awards?

ooooh the Grammys.. unless of course J-Lo and Mark the latest husband are singing… then again.. if I was Robert De Niro or Al Pacino’s date for the Academy Awards… or Orlando Bloom.. that boy needs a good woman….

3. be three feet taller OR three feet shorter?

taller… it would mean i could make vast amounts of money as a basketball player…..

4. for the rest of your life, talk like yoda OR breathe like darth vader?

When I’m sick I already do breathe like Darth Vader so I’m sure if I were to talk in riddles like Yoda things would be cool….

Sunday, 27 February 2005

Sun, 27 Feb 2005 22:30:00 +0000

Yesterday was about to turn into yet another totally wasted day vegging around the house. I had chores to do… Hannah Banana had homework to do but I went outside to hang some washing out in the early afternoon and it was positively WARM… the wind was cold admittedly.. but tucked away in behind the fences on my patio it was pleasant enough for me not to have to rush in and out doors. So… we did a runner and disappeared off to the Hoe and Barbican for a walk. It was beautiful. We popped into the City first to do a little shopping then parked the car up and went off for a walk.

We wandered around for ages through the Barbican mooching in and out of all the little shops that are down there which seem to be specifically designed to take money from unsuspecting tourists. Then of course we stopped for a pot of tea and a slice of cake in The Strand Tearooms. Lemon Curd cake no less.

When we came out we wandered back up through the Barbican going past the Citadel towards where the car was parked. We made conversation with the guys on the gate and as we wandered off HB asked “Why do they have to have guns?” We then went on to have a conversation about national security and war in general.. and as we wandered back towards the Hoe we were met by the most beautiful sunset I took a couple of pictures. For the next 20 minutes we wandered back towards the car stopping every few minutes to take pictures of the beautiful sunset. Finally.. just as the sun was going down… we stopped down by the yacht club and took a ton of pictures as the sun fnally disappeared down behind Mount Edgcumbe Park. I’ll put them all into a Photo Album at some point.

It was the first time HB had actually watched a sunset.

Thursday, 24 February 2005

Thu, 24 Feb 2005 22:30:00 +0000

Its simply freezing. Although we haven’t had any “proper” snow yet I took some pictures of frozen snowflakes yesterday morning. They didn’t come out to well but I’ll put them in the album in a few.

My Boy is sunning himself in Florida.. I hope he gets a moment to look up and break the news to his family that his English fiancee and her daughter will be with him on the next trip… though somehow I get the feeling that it will never be ””he right moment”.

Work is.. quite simply… pandemonium.

Our newly qualified solicitor (who will be called NQS henceforth) arrived on Tuesday… and I have yet to have a proper conversation with her because it has been THAT busy. Actually.. thats a terrible reason and awfully bad manners. Tomorrow I will make a point of speaking to her properly and finding out the names of people who may call for her and generally what she expects from me… and whether or not I can provide that. She arrived on Tuesday.. and we had no working pc for her.. no printer… no email account set up.. no digital dictation ready.. and no chair. What a welcome. It must have been quite disheartening. This kind of thing happens all the time in the office though. We were aware of when she was starting weeks ago.. and have had plenty of time to prepare everything. Instead we were all running around like lunatics on Monday trying to get everything in place.. and failing miserably.

I was thinking about something yesterday… after I searched for Kourion on the internet when I was doing the “Places you’ve visited” thing the other day. Why can’t I find pictures on the internet of the digs my Father was involved in… they were pretty important digs. Decades ago he was involved in the digs that revealed more of the Tombs of the Kings in Paphos.. and most recently.. before he died.. he was involved in the digs at Kourion Beach.. a basillica was found years ago.. but at the time they didnt have the funding to clear it so they had to wait for funding.. that funding eventually came and they were able to finish the dig. They completely uncovered this amazing old church.. it was preserved so well… and the morning of the day my Father died he had been helping to get the final pillar out of the sea. They had found all the other pillars but hadn’t been able to find the last one.. until a little old Cypriot fisherman looked up one day and said “I know where it is.. its on the beach”. It was just below the low tide point… so always covered by the sea. They recruited a bunch of guys from the nearby RAF base who then spent the day knee deep in the sea trying to lift this huge marble pilar. I have tonnes of photographs of this. When he died we found loads of undeveloped films.. and there was one film in his camera that we finished off… and found those pictures of him looking so well and having so much fun directing operations whilst a bunch of guys used their brute strength to lift this pillar out of the sea. I never found out if they succeeded.

I can remember when we visited with Socrates after my Father died.. Socrates Savva… this man who has a permanent smile on his face and is a fountain of knowledge about the history of Cyprus. We went to the Amphitheatre at Kourion and it was funny to see people watching us.. as we went under ropes and behind walls that were all there to keep the general public away from certain areas of the mosaics and ruins. He showed us underneath the theatre. He showed us all around the Temple of Apollo.. and we sat there.. drinking wine in the afternoon sun.. under vines.. and it was so fabulous to sit and listen whilst these guys joked around in Greek.. laughing and fooling around.. telling stories.. all along stopping briefly to allow Socrates to translate for us to make sure that we understood what was being said and to make sure that we got the jokes that had them curled up with laughter. It was so good to sit there. I felt totally at ease.. knowing that this was how my Father had spent many happy happy days.

We went to this huge olive tree.. that had been the shelter for the people involved in the newer excavations at the Temple… and we sat under this Olive tree… soaking up the atmosphere.. talking to people who had been such good friends to my Father. People who we had only seen pictures of but who were coming to life in front of us as we talked. There was a shepherd… and it was incredibly weird but as I looked over at this shepherd I realised that he was carrying one of my Fathers walking staffs.. he had made a handful… I think the correct term for it is a “kelalie” (which is spelt so wrong.. but its an Irish word).. anyway.. Socrates walked over to this shepherd and told him who we were.. and this old old man.. who was chocolate brown from so many years of looking after his goats on the mountainside.. just broke down and started to cry… and we were ushered away by Socrates. When we came back a few hours later he was composed and wanted his picture taken with Hannah Banana.. and we obliged.. and he sat and told us stories of how he had shared many a lazy afternoon smoking and resting in the sun mulling over the problems of life with my Father… I wonder if he is still alive.. he looked so old then.. and it was seven years ago. I shall write to Socrates tonight and enquire about him.

Whoa… I rambled.. but isn’t this the place to do that???

Monday, 21 February 2005

Mon, 21 Feb 2005 22:30:00 +0000

PSNM left a delightfully rambling message on the voicemail over the weekend. His name has now appeared in the papers.. both local.. and apparently one national paper… whereby his charges were listed.. including the comments regarding sending racially aggravated letters and making racially aggravating phone calls.. oh and they also mentioned the threats to kill as well. Hes in a bit of a flap.. and was calling to tell us that he has been seeking help and advice regarding “anger management” . He also rang to make sure that his letter to CS was delivered as well. The letter where he apologised for sending the “racially aggravating” letters. Forget the fact that he tried to assault me and verbally abuses me every time he calls… he wants to apologise about sending a letter to people in which he said “all jews should be exterminated” and “all kurds should be liquidised”.. and another rather delightful comments about black people.. homosexuals and lesbians as well.

As far as I’m concerned the best thing they could do is put him in a cell with a large black homosexual gay jewish kurd (i know thats not possible.. is it..).. and throw away the key.

I hate my job sometimes.. especially when we are defending people like this.

Sunday, 20 February 2005

Sun, 20 Feb 2005 22:30:00 +0000

Its bitterly cold here…. and My Boy is on his way to sunny Florida… for two weeks vacation to round off his 5 weeks sabbatical.

I can’t believe that its almost over… his sabbatical. It seems like only yesterday that he was telling me that he would do whatever he could to be with me during his sabbatical.. and then… not 24 hours later… he was e-mailing me to tell me that his mom had bought him tickets to go see them in Florida. I was.. truth be told.. devastated. We need so badly to spend time together… and this was the golden opportunity. When he comes home from his sabbatical it’ll be back to the same routine of him working his ass off and us hardly talking… and I’m not looking forward to it. Although we haven’t talked nearly as much as we used to.. we have talked alot these past few weeks.

I know for certain that I’ll not be able to visit this year… I’m in such a hole to the bank that I’m not going to do anything else tomake that hoel any deeper. So the only way we will see each other is if he comes here. And I don’t know when he’ll get another chance once his sabbatical is over. And I don’t want to be a whiney bitch and moan about it or keep on about it.

I miss him… I miss him so badly my heart aches and I hope that this is the last vacation he takes to Florida without me. Every time he has been since we have been together he has moaned bitterly once he is there that I’m not there with him… and there is a simple way around it.

Hannah Banana is home.. the house is full of her giggles and laughter again… and it sounds so great. I know that I miss her when she isn’t around… but then.. when she comes home.. it makes me realise just how much I do miss her. Shes not a happy bunny though… they sent her to bed at 9pm every night.. and she was woken up by screaming kids every morning at anything from 6.30 to 8am. Oh… and most importantly of all… she missed a whole week of CSI.. CSI Miami.. and CSI New York… we’ll be watching every repeat possible this week.

OH… theres snow on the way….

Monday, 14 February 2005

Mon, 14 Feb 2005 22:30:00 +0000

do you ever wish you could go back in time and NOT say something??? I think that if anyone were to answer that question with a negative they would be a bare faced liar. With hindsight I wish I could go back just a couple of days and take back what I said about Valentines Day.

I wrote this on Sunday:-

now all that being said… understandibly… i came to hate Valentines Day… I hated that as soon as the Christmas cards were clearerd out of the shops there would be Valentines cards put in their place. All these cards.. posters.. cuddly toys and promotions for red roses and romantic trips did was remind me of the day my Mother died…

until I met Dan….

He made me smile again.. he gave me the ability to enjoy and look forward to a stupid commercial day in February that seemed designed to con as many men as possible out of as much money as possible…

and I will always love him for it….

Now Valentines Day will always be filled with sadness for me… being the day that my Mother died… and yet it had become.. until last year… a day of excitement.. a day of butterflies in my stomach as I wondered “will he… won’t he…” until last year of course.. when I received nothing…. and she (who will from this day forward be referred to as the “Hillbilly Whore”) received a beautiful bunch of red roses…. which sat on her desk as she typed the thank you e-mail that I read so many many months ago… It is pointless talking about the things that occurred last year. I.. no.. We.. have been over them again and again and have come out the other side.. and I don’t wish to go back over them any more… but for goodness sake.. is he such a numb nuts that he didn’t realise how important receiving today.. just the smallest gift from him… was important to me… He is.. without a doubt in my mind the dumbest damn redneck I have ever known… OK. that isn’t hard by any means.. he is the ONLY redneck I have ever known.. but he should have known better.

When I confronted him on the phone about it.. and yes.. that really is the best way to describe the conversation I just had with him… all he could say was “it got away from me”…. and I told him that that has got to be just about the lamest excuse I have ever heard from anyone about anything… it is very hard to make someone understand how important it was to me today to get a card.. or a gift.. or a bunch of flowers… it may seem incredibly shallow or greedy of me… but damn it… it was important to me… it really was… and My Boy… he just didn’t realise how important.

Of course the whole telephone conversation then turned into one enormous whining and moaning bitch fest.. which is.. sincerely… not what I wanted to happen.. but once I had started there was no stopping me… I have bottled so much up… over the weeks.. that it all came tumbling out…

I guess Valentines Day was the catalyst….

meh…. I’m going to eat chilli and drink milk…

Saturday, 12 February 2005

Sat, 12 Feb 2005 22:30:00 +0000

I lay in bed last night.. going over in my mind the absolutely horrendous week i have had and it struck me that.. although i have shared my experiences with a number of people who have done everything they possibly can to understand and reassure me and make me smile… i have still had to cope with the bullshit thats gone on this week (even the past few weeks) alone… and.. quite simply… i’m sick of doing that…

i am sick and tired of being alone… i am sick and tired of having to cope with everything on my own… i’ve done it for 11 years… almost 12.. and although i seem to have done ok.. i’m sick of it… and something needs to be done about it.. and soon….

i’m not looking for someone to help me cope with shitty stuff… not at all.. but one day it would just be really great to come home.. and know that someone will be there who will try to make me feel good about my shitty day for a change… someone who will make dinner because i’m just too damn tired… someone who will pour ME a drink or make ME a cup of tea and listen to ME talk about how shitty my job is… someone who will actually try to do something to make me smile…

i don’t want it every day… i don’t need it every day… but this week reminded me of a few things… it reminded me of the things that i want… which contrast sharply with what i actually have… and what i actually have is shitty and unfair… and i’m not willing to put up with it anymore…

it would have just been nice to have someone around who loves me and wants to try to make things better for me when things get shitty…. instead of ignoring me and not having time for me….

i’m really not quite sure how much longer i am prepared to accept what i have.. instead of going after what i want….

Friday, 11 February 2005

Fri, 11 Feb 2005 22:30:00 +0000

So after Wednesday morning’s entanglement with PSNM he complained to the Senior Partner about me… blah blah blah.. happily for me people had witnessed the whole altercation (is that the correct word for when someone launches into a verbal attack on you after you said “take a seat Mr X) and he was simply reminded by the Senior Partner that he is not welcome at the office.. and he is requested to not enter into any type of conversation with me…. he left.. no doubt planning his next allegations…

On Thursday morning he was in Court for his plea… he started on the ushers as soon as he walked in.. then proceeded to make a scene in Court as well.. and was told to return to Court next Monday for his case to be heard…

that afternooon he had to attend at the Police Station to be formally charged with further threats to kill.. abusive phone calls.. 6 counts of harrassment.. of police officers no less…. he decided it would be a good time to flip out on everyone.. and so last night he had his first taste of what its like when people don’t bend over backwards to help you.. and he spent the night in custody… his solicitor spent the morning in Court.. at the Police Station and in his office dealing with all the other cases that he has as well.. and PSNM was due back in Court in the afternoon…

as yet.. i don’t know what happened.. but.. i hope the fucker kicked off in Court and they refused him bail and threw him back in the cells until his trial on Monday…

so.. today was relatively calm… i knew he wasn’t going to walk into the office so i was able to relax a little..

that was until i was sat in a traffic jam on the way home and some frigging idiot drunk decided it would be fun to walk out into the traffic and start banging on car roofs windows and doors… my car included… when i attempted to pull away when he was at the side of my car he proceeded to try to get the door open.. banging on the glass.. pulling at the handle and shouting abuse at me through the window…

i just drove off slowly.. i wasn’t about to get out of the car and ask him what the hell he was doing.. as i pulled away i saw him doing the same to other cars so it wasn’t until a few minutes later that i felt this overwhelming fear that had me reduced to tears at the side of the road… a car pulled up in front of me and a lady got out and came to my window and asked if i was ok.. and i told her i was.. just a little shaken up.. and then i just pulled myself together and carried on driving home…

i NEVER lock my car door when i get into it.. but tonight i couldnt find the right cd so… as i sat in the car rummaging through my bag… i locked the door…

thank God i did…

i’m done with this week…. i want to file it under “F” for “Fuck off and never come back”….

Thursday, 10 February 2005

Thu, 10 Feb 2005 22:30:00 +0000

Someone said to me today… we’ve been lucky.. we’ve got through the winter without any snow this year.. and I told him… its not Valentines Day yet… and he looked at me all quizzical like.. and I told him.. it snows around Valentines Day normally…. and when he asked me how i knew that i told him.. “Because my Mum died on Valentines day.. and it almost always snows on the day she died”

its Valentines Day on Monday. Its such an odd day… ~~emotionwise (is that a word?)~~ emotionally speaking… for me…… on Valentines Day 11 years ago my Mother died. This stuns me beyond comprehension.. the realisation that she has been gone that long. She had been ill for about 2 years. Her then Doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong with her… and.. after being treated incorrectly for IBS and a hiatus hernia we finally convinced her to change Doctors. Sure enough.. within weeks her new Doctor diagnosed what we all feared but never really expected… cancer… on her birthday no less. Pancreatic Cancer.

She had been in incredible pain since December 26th when she had what turned out to be her final surgery. When her surgeon told us that the cancer had spread… even after months of radiation treatment and 6 surgical procedures… that the surgery had failed.. it was the beginning of the end for her. She endured a few weeks of horrendous “care” at the local hospital until finally we secured a place for her at a hospice. She died 9 days after being moved to St Lukes Hospice.

We.. as a family.. all agreed that it was what she had been waiting for. It was almost as though she didn’t want the indignity of dying in a crowded hospital ward with people looking on. She waited until she was in the quiet calmness of the hospice.. with its beautiful views out to sea or across Plymouth Sound to the Hoe.

Our house was not 2 minutes walk away from the Hoe and its views across the Sound to the hospice. My brother had this fabulous idea that if he went up on the Hoe and jumped up and down whilst furiously waving his arms she would be able to see him (with the help of binoculars) and so the event was planned and took place one beautiful cold crisp sunny day. She swore blind that she could see him.. and we will never know if she was telling the truth or not.

Although she was only there for a short time you could tell that she was incredibly comfortable. She had a huge private room (all rooms were private) with beautiful sea views. She could have a jacuzzi bath whenever she wanted. My Father and I would ease her into it and watch the smile spread across her face as the warm water and bubbles enveloped her softly. She had a massive double bed that my father was allowed to share with her. He was allowed to stay with her every night that she was there and he did. We hardly saw him at all in her final days. We could all come and go as we pleased.. and my daughter.. who was only 2 and a half years old was allowed to visit at any time and for as long as we wanted. Her giggles could be heard from the day room whilst she entertained other patients staying at the hospice and we were never made to feel as though she shouldn’t be there.

I knew she was dying.. I knew she was incredibly ill.. but it wasn’t until I lifted her in and out of the jacuzzi tub on an almost daily basis that I realised how much weight she had lost.. how much her body had been emaciated by the cancer within her. How she had been stripped of the fabulous figure she had struggled for years to maintain. If it wasn’t for all the tubes and lines going into her paper think skin I would have been able to lift her as easily as I could lift my chubby glowing handful of a daughter.

At this time I was the assistant manageress in a bakery/cafe… and for me to be able to take time off at a moments notice was the most marvellous and generous accommodation that was given to me by the firm. For that I will be forever grateful. My then husband had refused to allow me to visit her in hospital after her surgeries the previous summer because it used up too much petrol.

One of the last times I saw her alive was so very unusual and totally unexplainable.

For some reason or other the shop was incredibly quiet for a Saturday morning and so the Manageress told me that if I wanted to I could nip away for the afternoon to visit my Mother. I grasped the opportunity to do so and.. because the shop was right on the bus route.. I just pulled my coat on over my uniform.. grabbed by bag and took off.. caught the next bus out to the hospice.

After I got off the bus I walked the short distance to the hospice. My Mothers room was right on the end of one wing of the hospice.. and I had to walk past her window… along the driveway up to the entrance of the hospice before doubling back on myself and walking all the way back the way I had come (but inside the hospice) to her room. As I walked along the driveway and passed the window of her room I stopped and looked up to it and I swear on my daughters life I saw her.. sitting up.. wide awake.. smiling down at me. She waved and I waved back.

By the time I had finished the short walk up the drive to the entrance (where my Father met me) and then back along the corridor to her room I found the room in darkness with the curtains partially closed and she was asleep. I sat with her for a little while whilst she slept (with my Father snoring loudly in a chair beside her) and I then went off to get a coffee. I stopped to talk to a nurse and made idle chit chat with her and told her how surprised I was to find my Mother sleeping after seeing her so bright and awake only minutes earlier. The nurse told me that I must be mistaken.. my Mother had been sleeping most of the day.. she had been heavily sedated as she had been feeling very uncomfortable with pain. I questioned this.. telling her that I had seen my Mother sitting up in bed.. smiling and waving at me… surely there was some mistake.

The nurse told me that there was no way that my Mother could have possibly sat herself up in bed because of the huge amounts of morphine she had been given. I went back to her room.. sat with her whilst she slept.. without stirring.. for hours. My Father left to go home to shower.. change his clothes and then when he came back I left.. telling him that I would be back with my brother later that evening. When we called.. as we always did before visiting… he said she was very poorly.. heavily medicated. and perhaps we should wait until the following day to visit.

The following day my father called me and told me to find my brother and come to the hospice. He didn’t have to say anything else. I went off in a black cab searching for my brother. He was doing groundwork for a building firm and all I knew was that he was working in the city centre laying paving slabs. Another man I will be forever grateful for is that Black Cab driver. I told him I had no clue where my brother was… and he got on his radio and put a call out to all the cabs asking them to keep an eye out for guys laying paving slabs in the city centre. Needless to say.. we found him very quickly…

We spent the day sitting quietly with her… whilst she slept… and eventually.. as the day wore on.. my Father insisted that we leave. He wanted to be alone with her. They had known each other since they met in a childrens home when they were both 8 years old.. and he wanted to be alone with her when her time came. And we respected that.

She died that night.

My abiding memory of my Mother.. the image of her that I hold in my minds eye when I think of her… is how I saw her that day… looking down from her bed.. smiling.. waving… bright eyed. Everything tells me that I couldn’t possibly have seen her like that on that day. and yet… I know what I saw.. I know EXACTLY what I saw.

I didn’t tell my brother or my Father about this for many years… and when I did.. both of them accepted what I told them without hesitation.. and yet they both knew that there was no practical explanation for what I saw. Both of them had seen her earlier in the day before me… both of them knew how heavily medicated she had been.. and yet both of them accepted what I saw without question.

She hated snow… she hated the cold… all she ever wanted to do was lie on a beach in a bikini… and she did that in the September before she died. We drove through flurries of snow to get to the hospice that night… and we watched as the sun came up over that beautiful view that she loved so much and the city was white.

We took pictures of my daughter that day… wearing her frog wellies… playing in the snow…

and thats how i know it almost always snows on Valentines….

until I met Dan….

and I will always love him for it….

and i’m a sucker for roses…

Wednesday, 9 February 2005

Wed, 09 Feb 2005 22:30:00 +0000

for those new to my journal i shall recap for you….

Psycho Stalker Nutter Man is a client of our criminal dept… he is charged with harrassment.. and faces court tomorrow…

today.. he came into my office.. hurled abuse at me… and when i called for assistance he threatened to kill me.. and then proceeded to scream abuse at me whilst other members of staff watched. After being almost forcibly removed from the office he then proceeded to scream abuse at his solicitor in the street.. calling me all the names under the sun… and making wild allegations against me personally and the firm…

after about 20 minutes of screaming abuse at his solicitor he finally left… everyone disappeared to get on with their daily work… and i sat.. petrified and shaking with fear in case he came back into the office…

why should i be worried you may ask yourself…

i’ve seen his file… it is a catalogue of threatening behaviour… assault and harrassment all of which is blamed on a “personality disorder”….

he has previous convictions for assault causing abh… he has been arrested for threats to kill.. (against police officers) sending racially aggravating letters… assaults (one of which was yesterday.. after an incident 3 weeks ago)…. and tomorrow he will be formally charged with harrassment of and making threatening phone calls to a police station…

three weeks ago he was involved in an incident at the Court which resulted in him being asked to leave the premises until his case was called…. yesterday.. when i assume everyone involved thought that it was all forgotten and “gone away” he walked into the Court and threw a boiling cup of tea over the usher who escorted him from the Court on the previous occassion…

how long will i be expected to sit at my desk in the reception area of my office frightened and scared every time the door opens in case it is him…

this morning i could not do my work properly.. i could not function properly.. because i was so upset and scared by this man…

i told the Managing Partner that i am not prepared to be a statistic in some investigation in 10 years time after this man has killed someone or seriously hurt them…. we read cases every day of assault.. abuse… murder.. where the accused has shown all the signs of being capable of doing what they did.. and yet they were given chances by the Court System… they plea bargained.. they took lesser sentences by pleading guilty to lesser charges… and I am not prepared to be a part of that.. and i have told her that something must be done to protect me and the other members of staff…

i am also considering personally writing a letter to the Court telling them of my experience with him…

i’m actually scared to go to work tomorrow…

and thats not right….

Monday, 7 February 2005

Mon, 07 Feb 2005 22:30:00 +0000

last night.. i phoned my daughter’s Father.. and told him we had a chance to fix things.. but i would need to go to the States… i told him i knew all this as incredible short notice but would he please have my daughter during the holiday that was coming up… and he surprised me and said sure.. he would collect Hannah early on Saturday of next week.. and bring her home the following weekend…. meaning that if i wanted to i could get a flight this Friday.. and stay until the following Sunday…

this morning i was moved to tears when i read his e-mail.. i have tried so hard these past few weeks to not get my hopes up about anything regarding our relationship.. knowing too well how making plans or chasing dreams seems to only lead to disappointment and upset for us both…so getting his email abou this mother buying him a ticket to florida for two weeks.. and how this meant he would not be coming here to see me… its just knocked me sideways… i wasn’t prepared for it… after our conversation on Thursday of last week I foolishly got my hopes up that i would see him.. he was after all… asking me for another chance.. telling me that he would pay for my flight to be there and when i told him it was impossible he said he would do what he could to come here instead… foolishly i took this comment at face value and was quick to jump to the conclusion that this meant it was definately happening… which was incredibly naive of me.. and stupid… putting yet again untold pressue on him… which i seem to do so well… without intention…

i shouldn’t have been so quick to think it would be that simple… it was.. truthfully speaking.. not going to happen… the flights would have been too expensive.. the cost of boarding the dog far too much.. and really… well really i should have just held on to the whole attitude it has taken me months to cultivate.. that attitude being that i won’t believe i will ever see him again until he is standing in front of me.. and i can reach out and touch him.. or bury my face in his neck and smell him…

this morning.. this morning we talked about this.. and he told me he was as upset as i… he told me he wanted to visit me too… and thought that perhaps i don’t believe him.. i’ve never questioned that.. i’ve never questioned whether he wants to come here or not.. i’ve never questioned whether he wants to be with me or not… i’ve believed him every step of the way… if i didn’t.. would i seriously still be here now?? sitting at my desk with a lump in my throat at the prospect of having no idea when i’m going to ever see him again??

i do understand that he needs to see his family.. and i more than anyone else understand that he needs to see his grandfather… i hope that he doesn’t question that… because that would upset me… i have never ever asked him to come and see me instead of visiting them… i have never questioned him over spending time with them when he could spend time with me.. never…

i don’t know if this makes sense at all.. but i think i have made a rod for my own back by being so understanding… i’ve been so understanding for so long about things that maybe perhaps i’ve fooled him into thinking i dont care… maybe thats what i deserve for hiding my feelings for so long… maybe he thinks i’m this humble unselfish woman when i’m not.. when i’m so upset and mad an dangry by all the bullshit thats been thrown at us the past 4 years that sometimes.. sometimes i just want to be a selfish whiney bitch and say “WHY US?????” why the hell wont anything work out for us…

i’m so incredibly sad that i wont see him over his sabbatical that i can feel it.. weighing on me.. i feel almost as though someone has come along and pulled the sunshine out of my sky… and God.. yes i do believe him when he tells me hes sad as well… i believe him when he tells me hes hurting too.. but please… why do i have to pretend that i’m not upset.. why do i have to pretend that its ok.. it doesn’t matter.. i don’t care…

cos i do.. i hurt.. i cry.. i’m sad.. i’m incredulous.. its just one more thing.. its like.. we both know how badly we need to spend some time together.. and this was our only opportunity…. and for fucks sake… its been taken away from us… and both of us know that we have no clue when we will get this opportunity again… it could seriously be another 6 months at least… and i know for a fact that i wont be able to afford to go to the states this year at all….

he told me i mustn’t think i’m the only one hurting.. and i don’t.. i don’t for one second think i’m the only one hurting.. but today.. for just a few minutes.. know what happened.. but i just had to make him understand.. i had to try to make him understand how incredibly disappointed i am… and whats silly is… i don’t think i needed to try to make him understand.. i’m sure he knows…

Sunday, 6 February 2005

Sun, 06 Feb 2005 22:30:00 +0000

I’m pleased that we seem (*touches wood) to have dealt with my daughter skipping school well… she has told me on a number of occassions now that the girl she got in trouble with has been asking her to skip school again.. and this girl has now stopped asking her or hanging around with her.. in fact… shes never in school… Hannah seems to enjoy the company of her other friends much more.. she comes home (like the old days) and tells me stories of the fun she is having with them.. she has.. (maybe I’m tempting fate here by mentioning it.. ) but she has also turned back into that delightful girl i spent so long bringing up…

shes still grounded.. shes still on passport at school.. and she also knows shes being watched like a hawk.. but.. shes dealing with it well.. after the initial problems we had with her dealing with the “pressure” of having her everymove monitored at school… shes coped well.. and so have i.. and shes told me that realistically she doesn’t think that i could have dealt with it in any other way… though she does say that she wishes i hadn’t lectured her at every possible moment.. i did try to explain that the reason for the lecturing was to try to make sure that she understood what she did was wrong…

In other areas of my life though… I’m incredibly confused…

I don’t really know whats happening with the states and Dan… I have given him all the time he needs.. and the conversation we had on Thursday morning seemed to be the start of the real resurrection of our relationship… he told me many things… which basically boiled down to wanting to be with me still.. and hoping that I would give him another chance… i have told him continuously over the past few months.. that i will wait for him to figure stuff out… that i will try to cope with everything he throws at me… and that i will not give up on the idea of us being together… but.. how long do i wait??

after the conversation we had this week i thought that he was going to try to figure out how we can be together at some point over his sabbatical.. he certainly offered to buy my ticket to go there.. and yet i can’t as i have no-one to look after Hannah… she will be away for 4 days in the week starting the 14th (Valentines Day) but its just not possible to have anyone look after her for any time longer than that… my brother is working… my friend already has the addition of a child who isnt hers for three weeks… and.. quite simply.. it isn’t possible for me to go there…

on top of this is the added frustration of him not being able to come to see me due to having no-one to look after his dog… its all setting itself up for being a long lonely time before we get a chance to see each other again… especially when he admits that we really do need to spend some time together…

i don’t know where this leaves us… we have.. honestly.. hardly spoken to each other in the past 6 months.. certainly since his trip to Korea and Taiwan… and we do indeed really need to spend some time together… but.. if its not possible.. its just not possible…

so.. what do i do? i’ll go back to decorating my house… coping being alone but not lonely.. and dealing with the fact that the man i love more than anything else in my life right now is 5,000 miles away from me…