all in the past...

Exhausted - Thats the word I’ll use to describe how I feel. I was awake all night bar two hours between 5.00am and 7.00am trying to amuse a concussed D who was in the throes of a Vicodin and Valium induced haze. He finally succumbed to the effects of too many drugs in his already groggy system and passed out in a flurry of “I love you’s”. I wonder if he’ll even remember a thing about last night. I know I will.

These last few weeks have been incredibly hard. His new job is playing total havoc with our lives and last night, I am ashamed to say, I was overjoyed to hear him say that unless his company and his client don’t get their acts together he will ask to go back on shift. I know how important this job is to him but its so incredibly difficult for him to cope with. He sounded awful last night and I’m not at all surprised that the nurse at the ER gave him a “motherly” lecture about looking after himself.

He sounds as though he had an incredible time in VanCity and I must quell my jealousy and allow him these friendships. And I must also do my best to calm my petty insecurities about these girls he has met. His assurances last night of his love for me settled my nerves no end.

Later….

Why is it that I have spent all day waiting for the time to come when I can call my fiance and wake him up.. and then when I finally do call to wake him.. hes still dead to the world and can’t function yet. I suggest calling back in an hour. and he says.. i’ll call you later.

Now thats fine… i understand hes tired.. hes had a concussion.. and hes still groggy… but.. two hours later i think to myself.. ok.. he should have called by now.. and i hit him up on msn… and he replies.. i’m busy talking to my lawyer on the phone.. i’ll talk to you later… this is obviously fine with me.. as i know how important talking to his lawyer is for both of us.. and yet.. i check into to his website.. and find out hes actually sat at the pc upgrading his membership and his journal entries.. and yet.. he cant talk to me cos hes concentrating hard on what his lawyer is saying…

its been two years of intense love and passion… and its been two months of absolute hell in nightmarish quantities… and last night.. we were meant to have figured shit out… and reminded ourselves how important it is to be able to talk to each other… and we both agreed we had acted out of order… and i assured him i don’t begrudge him his friends.. i just want him to have time for me as well as his friends… and then this…

i’m tired… i’m fractious.. and i’m just sick of all this.. because hes starting to lie to me so that he can do other shit… why didn’t he just say.. hey.. i have to update my core membership.. and upload those pics.. and blah.. hes actually starting to annoy me now.. and thats just not meant to happen when you are madly in love with someone….