It was suggested to me in the middle of a heart stopping conversation about him wanting to move here that perhaps I was too focused on being in the USA rather than being with him….

How dare he even suggest such a thing…

Is he a fool??? He’s stunned me with the accusation. Yes.. I was STUNNED into silence when he came out with the suggestion about moving here… but what stunned me more was what was said because I didn’t jump up and down in glee and delight when he suggested moving here to the UK. Was I meant to say “Oh yes.. give up your job and move here straight away”.

I’ve been asked on many occasions by my friends and my brother why he doesn’t move to the UK to be with me… and to be honest… its something we never really thought about. Everything has always been about HB and I moving to the USA. My Boy has a brilliant job in a field that its hard to find jobs for here in the UK… he’s also pretty well paid for what he does. He is DAMN GOOD at what he does… he knows this and the company he works for know this. Thats the very reason they are giving him 10 days off now because they have adopted his system for doing something and he has to be around to oversee its implimentation for the next goodness knows how long.. It means he’ll be working 12 hour shifts 6 days a week… but it should also remind him just how valuable to his firm he is…..

Despite his protestations to the contrary… he also likes his job… its the hours he doesn’t like.. and there is a difference. He has tonnes of friends.. he loves to snowboard on weekends in the winter and ride his quad bike on the weekends in the Summer… He likes to cook out and BBQ with his friends.. he likes to go to concerts and likes to watch NASCAR races on tv all weekend if he isn’t snowboarding or quad biking. There are a ton of other things that he could never do here in the UK… Theres no proper snow in the winter.. thers no where to go hurling around on a quad bike at weekends… theres no decent concerts to go to unless you drive over 4 hours to see them… No NASCAR races to watch and certainly no cook outs and BBQ’s with friends…. Theres no going out at 10 o’clock in the evening to get dinner and a few drinks.

Theres alot of things I know about My Boy… and about the UK that all make it very obvious to me that if he were to move here.. he wouldn’t be able to cope losing these social things. I know he thinks I’m a Goddess.. I know he wants to be with me and my daughter more than anything else in the world… but I am also not naive enough to think that just being with me would be enough to get him by…. After 6 months I’m positive that he would want to move us all back to the USA and it would leave us once again coping with visas and all kinds of added problems..

Its been hard figuring things out… dealing with stuff. Planning my future as best I can in a foreign country that I’ve only visited 3 times. Trying to figure out all the things one must do before one sells a house and moves away… only I’m not selling a house and buying a new one… I’m selling a house and moving to a whole different country. I’ve researched schools… I’ve sold half the crap in my house…. I’ve instructed estate agents to sell my house… I’ve told my boss I’m cutting my hours back in preparation for handing my notice in in the New Year…. (i’ve given them notice of my notice so to speak)… I’ve packed clothes…. I’ve unpacked clothes.. I’ve had arguments with my Big Bro and my friends about how I’m not making a mistake giving everything up for the man I love…. I’ve had talks that have lasted all night about how I know.. deep down inside.. once we are together 90% of our problems will disappear… because the problems we have are always related to the fact that we are apart.

Truth be told… I’m terrified of moving to the States… I’m terrified of making a huge mistake that my daughter will be the victim of… I’m terrified of making a fool of myself to the people I love.. and I’m terrified of it all going wrong when I get there… but not nearly as terrified as I am of him coming here and seeing what a quite calm non-adventerous life I lead. I’m a boring woman… I’ve had my parties… I’ve had my wild life… now… I just want to settle down and be with the man I love. Be there when he gets home from his snowbaording weekends and quad biking weekends. Be there when he egts off work after a 12 hour shift and just be there when he needs a beer wench and someone to cook his dinner. I just want to be with him.

I’m not an adventurous person.. I’m the type of person who.. if I’m going anywhere.. I want a road map… GPS… Sat Nav.. a sherpa and a tour guide… I need to know exactly where I’m going… who will meet me.. what happens if something else happens and what to do in emergencies. So giving up everything I have known and love in the UK to be in the USA with the man I love was a scary decision to make. I made it though so that I could be with the man I love… and I’ve come to terms with that decision.. the effect its going to have on my life and my daughter…

If I just wanted to be in the States.. would I have put up with everything that I have in the last I have no clue how long to have him tell me that I’m too focused on being in the USA…. Jesus H Christ…. of course I’m focused on being in the USA.. its all we’ve talked about for years.. its all we have worked towards for years… its all I have lived and breathed for the past God alone knows how long….

If I just wanted a ticket to the USA I wouldn’t have put up with any of his bullshit… I would have moved on to some other guy who could get me there a damn sight faster than I could ever hope for…just the insinuation makes steam come out of my ears.. How dare he.. how dare he suggest such a thing when I have done nothing but sit back and wait for everything to be just right for him before we did anything about it….

How dare he….

I’m so fucking angry with him I don’t think I can even speak to him right now…